Being Mama - 7 weeks

3 nights ago, you didn't sleep at all.
Usually you sleep about 2 hours, 3 times. But at that time, you just kept crying and drinking. Maybe because a stomach ache? I worried because I know it's too much milk for your stomach. I gave you a  massage all night.

It started at 10pm. About 2 hours passed...well, ok. This is kind of normal. You will sleep soon...
You missed 1 sleep cycle. Already 2am. Um, maybe after this milk the crying will finish...
No, not yet. Ah maybe it's a dirty diaper? Ok, I will change your diaper, then you can sleep...
F! Already 3:30am...When will you sleep?
Again? milk?! I used all the milk I had prepared for the night. I have to go to the kitchen to make more...I don't like you!!! I wanna cry...
Wow...5:30? I can see the morning sunshine a little from the window.
I did everything...What do you want? Why can't you sleep? Still have a stomach ache? Why are you crying? This room is cold. I have a headache. I want to cry. I want to sleep. What can I do for you...?

Actually I wanted to throw you out, since 3am. At 4:30am, you slept about 20 minutes. That time I made some tea for myself to relax. I calmed down and became warmer then. But I maybe couldn't leave the stress behind.

I was crying before I realized it. At 6:30, your papa came upstairs. He was surprised to see me.
He took you from me and said "get some sleep" with sweet voice. Your crying was still in my ears after you left. I couldn't sleep for a while. But soon I could fall asleep.
Your papa went to the office but came back soon that afternoon. I was relieved.

Then 2 days ago, you didn't sleep well again. Not super bad like that night though.
I got stress again. Early morning, my stress got so high. I shouted to you "sleep!!" I felt sooo bad after that. And I thought maybe I have postpartum depression.

Now I don't do anything perfect. I don't clean the house so well. I don't cook so much. Basically it is just taking care of you. Some women take care of their baby and go to work. When I think about myself, I feel like I do nothing. Only parenting, I can't do well. I can't give you my milk too.
Now I knew how difficult to have a baby more and more.

Please wait. I promise I will be a good mama more for you.