You did it! - 2 months and 17 days

Wow!! You slept 5 hours last night! It was the first time.

Good job Genki. Keep that up.

Cry It Out? - 2 months and 16 days

Sometimes when you cry so much, we try to teach you to calm down by yourself. Well, maybe I'm weak so I can't leave you so long...but anyway we try it.

Last weekend it also happened. You cried so hard for no reason (maybe, we don't know). We gave you milk, tried to play with you, held you and walked around. Nothing worked. So we decided to put you down in your crib, upstairs alone.


But I worried too much. I thought maybe 30 minutes is the max. Because I read like this, and always the person who puts you down was papa and picks you up was me. I didn't want you to remember us like this. So I told him to pick you up.

He didn't agree. Because your papa was going to leave you until you stopped crying. Even if he picked you up, he thought you wouldn't stop crying. But remember, he was doing this because he loves you so much.

But I couldn't wait and asked again.

Your papa picked you up. You didn't stop crying. It was bad timing also. It's the time for your milk. You were hungry too.

I can't be so strong and leave you crying because there is some reason maybe.

If it's works or not, I don't know 100% for sure. Because you are only 2 months old. Even older age, sometimes I think (and some people also says) it's depends on the baby's character.

I held you in my belly for 10 months. Actually, now, it's really only a short time too that I can hold you and you want me to hold in your life. Soon you will be a big boy and walk to walk alone.

Some people say "Cry It Out" to make the future a little easier. Other people say that crying too much makes the baby slow to grow up because they use their power for crying more than growth. Or maube they will lose their personality if they cry too much,  like they don't  show their feeling.

I don't know what is true and what is right for you.

We will figure out little by little. I hope...

How Long? - 79 Days

Yesterday I was wondering how long we'll be able to rub your tummy or kiss your cheek and do all the affectionate things that we do now because you have no choice. I know it will last for a while, but not too long. Especially because you are a boy, and sometime in the not-too-distant future you won't like kisses or holding hands with your parents.

It kind of makes me sad. At some point you won't want all the smushy stuff from mom and dad. You'll start with that. Maybe girls are different? More affectionate? I don't know. But I do know I am going to take advantage of this time when you really have no choice about us holding you or brushing your hair back.

Dude, Really? - 71 Days

There's an old song, from the 60s, called "Mama Said." I've heard it a hundred times but all I remember is the lyric "Mama said there'd be days like this." The song is all about accepting what the reality is, because Mama warned us that things would happen. Maybe some things we don't like.

Well my mama (your grandma) NEVER told me that my baby would cry as much as you. My mama NEVER told me that my baby would sleep for only a couple hours each time. My mama never told me I would drop f-bombs in front of an eight week old baby because the baby wouldn't stop being fussy.

Baby Bear, there's no way to sugar coat this. You cry a lot. Sometimes your mama has to hold you all day because if she puts you in the crib or baby basket, you cry your eyes out. We don't know why you cry. We feed you. Change your diaper. Burp you. Smile at you. Play with you. Beg you to relax. Reason with you. Nothing seems to work.

Sometimes you drive us so crazy we want to bang our heads against a wall. And then other times you smile so sweetly and kind of laugh and you melt our hearts. This is the baby's defense. 90% of the time you make us crazy and then 10% you are the cutest fucking thing on the planet and we forget about all the sleepless night and dirty diapers and spitting up and we just fall head over heels in love with you again and again.

How do you do that? Why do you do that?

OSANPO - 2 Months

2 days ago you were a really good boy so I could get dinner ready and have more extra time.
So I decided to take a short bus trip with you first time (to Hawthorne Blvd.).
I thought it would be too difficult with stroller because it's crowded in the bus usually.
I carried you with baby bjorn to the bus stop near the Walgreens. When I got there, there were so many people waiting for the bus already. Many people looked at me and you, everybody talked to me saying things like "so cute baby!""Boy or girl?""What is his name?"...many things.
I talked with strangers more than I have ever talked before.

When the bus came, you were almost sleeping. Then after we got on the bus, yes, of course you slept soon. You really like riding in vehicles.

I walked the street a little and had lunch. Actually it was the first time to have lunch alone in Portland.
The lunch was, um...so so. But I enjoyed that time.
Then I did some window shopping. I found the scarf, the sweater, the bag, the cup and the books that I liked.
But we have to use the money for something necessary now. Not something we like.
So I didn't buy. Actually, the cup and the books are for you. Especially the cup, I looked at them already 3 times. 3 times I thought hard and didn't buy. Maybe If I have a chance to see it 4 times, I will buy.

Everything was ok. You were a good boy the whole time. I could enjoy walking.
Let's do it someday soon again.

Bad Weekend - 8 Weeks

What happened this weekend? You cried more than ever and slept less than ever. So, I felt more frustrated than ever. I think this is all normal. You're learning how to be a baby, I'm learning how to be a papa. This weekend was a lesson.

Of course, you are not doing this on purpose. Sometimes, well almost always, you cry right before we start to eat. But of course you are not doing that on purpose (right?). You sleep during the day and start to cry a lot right around midnight. But you can't be doing this on purpose (right?).

A good lesson this weekend for sure. It's good I got frustrated because it reminds me that babies are babies and can't control what they do, but I can control what I do. Thanks for the lesson little one.

Genki Sounds - 7 Weeks, 6 Days

Baby Bear, I must say, you have many sounds. We already know you like to cry at night. You wake up like a Swiss clock around midnight and sing to your mama for hours. Of course, we think you are singing rock n roll. Your crying voice is so loud.

Then other times you have such a sweet quiet voice when you are talking to yourself. I think you must be testing out all the new sounds you can make. This is one of my favorite times. I sit and listen to you burble and coo through different sounds and it melts my heart.

When we are lucky, you are making one of the sweetest sounds we know: your snoring. I didn't think such a big snore could come out of your little button nose, but it does. Sometimes you sleep so deeply and your snore is repeating so perfectly, I think it must be a computer loop.

Sometimes the sounds don't come from your mouth or nose....they come from a little bit lower. How can you fart so loud? It must make you feel wonderful because your face looks so calm after you fart.

The only sound I don't like is when you make no sound at all. I hate that. I always want to hear your breathing or your sweet voice. I don't always want to hear the crying, but that is better than no sound. When I carry you in the Baby Bjorn, you stick your nose flat against my chest. I can't see if you are breathing and it drives me crazy.

But you know that. You know it drives us crazy when you scream at night. You know it drives us crazy when you spit out all the milk we gave you. You know it drives us crazy when you poop into the diaper we just changed.

It drives us crazy, but we love you. Of course we do. When you get a little bit older, I'll probably tell you to "be quiet" a lot. Don't get too angry. We are saving all of our "be quiets" now to tell you later.

Today

Why did you cry so much?

Being Mama - 7 weeks

3 nights ago, you didn't sleep at all.
Usually you sleep about 2 hours, 3 times. But at that time, you just kept crying and drinking. Maybe because a stomach ache? I worried because I know it's too much milk for your stomach. I gave you a  massage all night.

It started at 10pm. About 2 hours passed...well, ok. This is kind of normal. You will sleep soon...
You missed 1 sleep cycle. Already 2am. Um, maybe after this milk the crying will finish...
No, not yet. Ah maybe it's a dirty diaper? Ok, I will change your diaper, then you can sleep...
F! Already 3:30am...When will you sleep?
Again? milk?! I used all the milk I had prepared for the night. I have to go to the kitchen to make more...I don't like you!!! I wanna cry...
Wow...5:30? I can see the morning sunshine a little from the window.
I did everything...What do you want? Why can't you sleep? Still have a stomach ache? Why are you crying? This room is cold. I have a headache. I want to cry. I want to sleep. What can I do for you...?

Actually I wanted to throw you out, since 3am. At 4:30am, you slept about 20 minutes. That time I made some tea for myself to relax. I calmed down and became warmer then. But I maybe couldn't leave the stress behind.

I was crying before I realized it. At 6:30, your papa came upstairs. He was surprised to see me.
He took you from me and said "get some sleep" with sweet voice. Your crying was still in my ears after you left. I couldn't sleep for a while. But soon I could fall asleep.
Your papa went to the office but came back soon that afternoon. I was relieved.

Then 2 days ago, you didn't sleep well again. Not super bad like that night though.
I got stress again. Early morning, my stress got so high. I shouted to you "sleep!!" I felt sooo bad after that. And I thought maybe I have postpartum depression.

Now I don't do anything perfect. I don't clean the house so well. I don't cook so much. Basically it is just taking care of you. Some women take care of their baby and go to work. When I think about myself, I feel like I do nothing. Only parenting, I can't do well. I can't give you my milk too.
Now I knew how difficult to have a baby more and more.

Please wait. I promise I will be a good mama more for you.