Our Boy

Mama wrote you a note about her feelings after “officially” hearing the word autism as connected to you. I’ve taken a bit more time to say essentially the same thing. But not because I needed more time to accept this diagnosis as a definition of you.

It’s more because I’m lazy.

These last 9 months have been an exciting time in our family, and very shortly here, things are going to get even more exciting for you, in just about every way.

First, you’re about to be a big brother. I mean, really about to be. Mama is ready to go and Kiko-chan seems almost ready too. No matter what, in less than 2 weeks you’ll be big brother Genki. More on that later.

Second, I didn’t feel the need to write anything specific about this diagnosis. Maybe that is a bit of naiveté or denial on my part. But really, this news in no way changes one bit of how I feel about you. Of course it wouldn’t. All this means to me is that we need to find the right places for you to learn as you need to. In the big picture, that’s just a small thing for us.

Here’s what’s big..you’re our boy and always will be. We want you to be happy and healthy, however that shakes out. There’s not one thing about you that we would change if we could.

Which is your real?

When you lay down, you can't think the distance between other person and you.

So you often lay down on my face. It REALLY hurts...

I thought I got broken bone so many times.

One time your head hit on my cheek bone. After that I couldn't open mouth well, teeth hurt, felt pain every time when I eat something. I thought I got bad teeth first. It took few weeks to heal.

But on the progress to heal, you hit again!!

I shout and cried seriously. I couldn't breathe well and almost passed out. 

After I calm down, I was thinking about my old schoolmate who is a boxer now. 

I can't believe he gets this pain every time...

Now I cover my face perfectly always when I lay down with you. 

The other way. I don't know if you understand or not but my belly is huge because of your sister.

Sometimes my shirts comes up and show my belly.

Then you care about my belly and fix my shirts to cover it for me everytime. 

I really love it. How sweet!

(And you kiss me softly. haha)

So which is the real you?!

My Lovely Little Boy

Today I got the result that you are diagnosed with autism. It is really tough to think what I can do for you. Especially since I'm not good at English like other Japanese mamas who work somewhere.

So I feel like I'm out of control of it in America. I have no power.

If it's in Japan, I could search where I can get the best service that I want for you or what is good for you or something, by myself. But here, I have no idea. From the beginning I don't know what is different culture for any of autism or what is same. What they have, what they don't have...

For example, there is YAMAHA music lesson in Japan, everywhere. I feel like it's good education for your character.

I know I need my driver's license here too. This also one of difficult thing.

I was sad when I heard the result this morning.

But when I saw your face after that, nothing changed. There was my sweet sweet baby in front of me, looking at me, hugging me.

You cheer me up.

This Gets Me Every Time

I look at this photo and every single time I just smile, laugh a little bit and just have this great feeling in the center of my chest.

Every single time. Same reaction.

And not just this photo.

So many pictures of you do this to me. Your look, the innocent eyes, the beautiful simple joy expressed. It does it to me every time.